CrystalOokami

So...
So much has happened since my last journal entry over a year ago.
I'm going to have people actually noticing my page now, ever since my sister decided to advertise me.
I want to thank those few people that have followed me for awhile now, even with my long absences and random bursts of artistic uploading.

Feel totally free to talk to me, just be aware that i'm a little anxious when socializing over the internet.

I want to enter a beauty pageant, but my mother won't let me.
I've yet to ask her strait out, but she's said that she wouldn't support me in it.
They just exploit young women.
You're unusual, so they won't want you.
I don't want you in this.

I've recieved a letter in the mail inviting me to a session for the young women in my area that want to enter in the local competition.
There isn't any bathing suit or talent competition in the pageant.
I think that one of the reasons my Mum is so adverse to this is her father made her do competitive Scottish Highland Daning for ten years when she was young.t
I know that this is just a cattle call for young girls with long, flowy hair and nothing much in their brain.
It's not meant for short-haired girls that want to be engineers and have flesh on their bones.

I just want them to see me.

I want them to see actual quality and dismiss me or let me stay.
I want to win this, to go out on stage and win against all the slim, long-limbed, tall, stereotypical beauties that can compete against me.

I'm atypical, and I want to win this for all of us that used to think we were worthless.

Tony Stark / Iron Man
[X ] You like booze
[ ] You are the life of the party
[X ] You love gadgets (oh yes  : D )
[X] You can be rather cocky (double yes)
[ ] Your favorite color is red or gold
[ ] You're good with computers
[X] You use sarcasm a lot (ya think?)
[X] You love getting attention (I love attention. It's like sunshine.)
[ ] You're good at mechanics
[ X] You have issues with your parents (no comment)

6/10

Dr. Bruce Banner / The Hulk
[X] You're good at science (I love science)
[X] You can get very aggressive when ticked off (well, yeah… )
[ ] You like to be secluded most of the time
[X] You like wearing baggy clothes  (a little, but not huge.)
[ ] You like to meditate
[ X] You like doing science experiments (very much so!)
[ X] You try to avoid getting into fights (I don't like fighting… but I'm good at it...)
[ ] You like wearing purple things
[X] You're clever (usually, yes. Unless I'm blonde at the moment.)
[ ] Your favorite color is green

6/10

Thor Odinson
[ ] You're good with a hammer  
[ ] You like coffee (only if I need to go to sleep)
[ ] You can eat a truckload of food and still be hungry
[X] You can be arrogant (usually only as a defence mechanism.)
[X] You have long hair
[X] You have an interest in astrology
[ ] You can get sulky when things don't go your way
[ ] You're willing to take a fall for someone else
[X] You like to dress up as fantasy characters  ( I do.)
[ ] You don't get on well with your sibling(s)

4/10

Steve Rogers / Captain America
[X] You like helping those in need in any way you can (what can I say, I'm a sucker)
[X] You hate bullies (YES)
[ ] You're a great leader (not always…)
[ X] You're a bit of a do-gooder (how'd you know?)
[ ] One of your favorite color is red, white or blue
[ ] You like wearing things with stars on them
[ ] You strongly admire the army
[ ] You have a good throwing arm
[ ] You like war films
[X ] You're good at running (especially when it's cold.)

4/10

Colonel Nick Fury
[X] You like wearing long coats (if they're pretty)
[ ] You're good at organizing things
[ ] You're good at being in the loop
[ ] You like guns (I prefer knives)
[ ] You're good at giving information to people  
[X] You like giving solutions to peoples problems (when I like them)
[ ] You like eyepatches (no…)
[ ] You work best as part of a team
[ ] You like beards
[X] You like wearing black things (I do, I do…)

2/10

Natasha Romanoff / Black Widow
[ ] You like wearing tight clothes
[ ] You can do martial arts
[ ] You're interested in the world of spies
[ ] You have red hair
[X] You're quite agile (i'm just stretchy naturally)
[] People generally don't know much about the real you  
[X] You like to make yourself look good (yes, yes I do)
[ ] You can speak another language (not yet… but soon…)
[ ] You're good at taking orders
[ ] You were born in a different country to the one you are living in now

2/10

Clint Barton / Hawkeye
[ ] You're very good at archery  
[ ] You currently like/love someone on your team
[ ] You like to wear purple and black (no, that's my sisters colours)
[ ] You're very good at aiming  
[ ] You've worked at the carnival
[ ] You like working in a team
[ ] You're up for almost anything thrown at you
[ ] You'd be a top assassin if you ever took the job (i couldn't kill unless it was defensive)
[ ] You're quiet
[X] You tend to get along with people well (unless they piss me off. Then I get scary.)

1/10

Loki Laufeyson
[ ] You want to be a great leader (no. It's too much work)
[X] You want to prove something (but I won't tell you what it is)
[X] You're the younger sibling
[ ] You've been/are overshadowed by a sibling
[ ] You don't get along so great with your sibling
[X] You're good at lying (I'm… not too proud about it…)
[ ] You're adopted
[X] You're very clever (unless I'm blonde at the moment. Haven't we gone over this already?)
[X] You are able to manipulate people well (I only use my superpowers for good… maybe…)
[ ] Your favorite color is green or gold

5/10
I am Bruce Banner/Tony Stark !
Since my brother's already so much like Stark, I'm Bruce Banner.
I'm also a bit like Loki.

There's something I need to say.

All my life, there's been a few phrases that my mother repeated whenever she got frustrated with me.

"Go to your room to save your life."
"I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it."

It always motivated me to do whatever it was I wasn't doing, or to run and hide.

She was lying. All the damn time she was lying.
I used to think that She actually would kill me.

I knew it was illegal, but She still said it so often...
Logic doesn't always work in my mind.

It wasn't until awhile ago that I realized she wouldn't actually kill me.

This is the family I live in.

No wonder i'm so emotionally fucked up.

Age?

16

Sex?

Female

Label yourself (prep, goth, druggie, weirdo, etc.?

I am Me.

How long have you been cutting?

A few years. I about 10 months ago.

Favorite tool?

Rozors, pins, glass… pretty much anything that cuts and can be easily concealed.

Where (place) do you cut (school, home, etc.)?

Bedroom and bathroom.

Do you have to hide your whole arm(s) (wrists, forearms, & upper arms, etc.)?

No.

Do you have to wear long-sleeves & long-pants all the time?

Not at all.

Do you cut on your stomach, or chest?

Never.

Are your legs, arms, & other body parts covered in scars?

Only my arms and inner thighs are scarred.

What's your favorite excuse to use when someone asks about a cut?

There are stones in my backyard. I'd say that I tripped and fell on them.

Have you ever been hospitalized because of your cutting?

No.

Off the top of your head, about how many scars do you have?

32 from cutting, 1 burn, and the word "perfect" scratched into my arm.

Do you have (diagnosed) depression, and/or bipolar/bpd?

No. Does ADHD and SM count?

Who knows you cut?

My close friends and immediate family.

Have you ever been caught cutting?

No.

Have your parents ever confronted you about a bloody sleeve, or towel?

No.

Did you have a good childhood?

In some ways, yes. I was always fed, clothed, warm, ect. But my mother… she's emotionally abusive…

Why do you cut?

I didn't understand emotional pain when I was younger, so I made my body hurt too.
It became a ritual.
Something would set me off, I'd get upset, and then I'd cut. I never really went very deep. It was mostly about the pain. I'd bleed a little bit, clean the area, then go on with my day as if it never happened.
It was like I was bleeding out the memory through my skin.

Have you ever talked to a therapist or counselor?

Yes, a few weeks after I stopped cutting. It was to make my family stop worrying, and to see what it would be like.
I liked it. My therapist was nice.

Do you want to stop cutting (but can't because of addiction)?

No.

Do you like cutting?

I liked the rush of endorphins I got when I hurt myself.

How many times have you tried to commit suicide?

I've thought about it so many times, but I've never tried to do it.

What are your views on cutting, and other self-injury?

It needs to stop. Nobody takes us seriously, and that makes us hurt even more. Don't try cutting just because you're curious. It'll take over you.
It's an addiction, just like any other.

Do you like watching movies with self-injury?

No, but I like seeing art or listening to music about it.
It makes me feel not alone.

Do you like looking at pictures of self-injury?

No.

Do you sometimes envy other people (non-self-injurers)?

Not really…

Have you ever taken pictures of your cuts/scars?

Once, yes. I'm the only one that ever saw them.

Do you want to die?

Not anymore.

Have you ever done a school assignment on cutting, or self-injury?

Never.

What do you like to listen to while cutting/depression/etc.

Nothing, really.

Have you ever needed stitches from cutting?

No.

Do you dream about cutting?

I've never dreamed of cutting.

What do you use to bandage your cuts?

I don't bandage them. Or cover them with anything.
It always amazed me that nobody noticed my cuts if I acted like they weren't there.
The scars are still there, but I'm very pale. You can't see them unless you know where to look.